A message

When I went to the dump yesterday, this glorious Chipmunk greeted me. It's a sign from the chipmunk gods. I don't know what it's a sign of but it's a sign of something. A message from the Woodland Glen?

Elephant poop

The Head Chipmunk got herself in a political mess. One she should have avoided. It was like a big pile of elephant poop right in the middle of the Woodland Glen and she jumped right in. Now that she is buried up to her chubby cheeks, all alone, with no allies and even friends mad at her, swimming in shit, trying to find the edge to climb out, all she can think is "why, why, why am I such an idiot? I saw it was a big pile of elephant poop and I still jumped right in."

Correlation VS Causation

The Head Chipmunk realized that things seemed unusually quiet and calm in the Woodland Glen this week. Then she realized that the Golden Eagle had been called into Jury Duty since Friday. Correlative only or perhaps a causative relationship could be established?

Heros

When an academic hero of yours at NYU hears about the little project you are running all the way across the country in your small woodland glen and talks to you on the phone (like in person and everything) to tell you he is "excited by your work" and wants to know if he can "help in any way" and "what you are doing is exciting and important" and "I'll get it published for you, if you don't have the time to write" and wants to set up another time to talk and thinks your methods are "better" than his original research.....well, its a weird and wonderful day for a chipmunk who almost didn't graduate high school because she flunked geometry...twice.

The Chipmunk has a question

The Head Chipmunk (HRC) has a question the overrides all other questions in this second week of the spring season. It's a simple question--"for this, I went to grad school?". The question pops into HRC's acorn addled brain a lot these days:

When she must meet with a barely competent sloth to discuss his consistent body odor (you have a PhD for God sakes, man...I mean, sloth…can't you figure out how to shower)?

When she must "counsel" a sloth on his obsessive discussions of his divorce and "horrible" ex while HRC worries and wonders if he may go off the rails one day. Does this sloth hate just the ex or all pussy cats?

"Counseling" a super sloth that while this job is as close to being self employed as one can be but still get sick time, PTO, employer health insurance/pension etc, it's not being self-employed so you gotta show up, do the basics, turn in required paperwork on time, etc. and when you tell HRC that the reason you resist responding to her emails and requests for work product is because you have issues from your childhood with authority (the HRC suspects its female authority only)...see thats really just called being a passive aggressive sloth.

When she ponders what is up with grown man-sloths who wear only shorts to the forest office year-round in even freezing cold weather.  Man-child sloth? And if you are going to only wear shorts, please don't free ball, too. None of us need to see that and the HRC is totally willing to counsel you on that and you don't want to see the toothy look on a nutless chipmunk's face as she discusses your peek-a-boo balls and their inappropriateness in the forest.


And it is with all this she sits in her quiet corner of the glen, closes her door and thinks, "For this shit, I went to grad school?"

For This I Went to Grad School 2

File this under the topic of "for this she went to grad school?!"-- today HRC had to explain to a certain Golden Eagle Dean what "free balling" was. After a far-too-lengthy (hahahaha) explanation (because the Golden Eagle was missing the subtler explanations), the Chipmunk finally got thru to the bird brain. As the Golden Eagle Dean turned a feathery shade of pale, HRC left the inner sanctum of the tree of knowledge quietly singing her new favorite song "cuz I'm freeeeeeee, freeeee ballin'". Today was not a "win" for higher education in the Glen.

HRC is Elected!

The HRC has been unanimously reelected Chair of the Woodland Glen. Seems her gnawing on the base of the trees that support the nests of those who reside "on high" has favorable support after all.

The Week that Was

"The Week that Was"

The Chipmunk scribbled some notes from a few happenings she knew she wouldn't get time to write about. She is calling them "The Week that Was":

•The Tale of the Passive Aggressive Cat (they purr and cuddle and act all sweet and then rip your arm off when you aren't petting them just right). The Head Chipmunk gently confronted the cat on her aggression. The cat rolled onto her back and gave a surprised purr of "who me?". The Head Chipmunk pulled on tiny oven mitts to prevent further scratches and moved back in with a little more direct communication. The cat began to dart about as though chasing a laser beam toy while high on catnip. And then, with the beautiful steely eyes that only exist in felines, she lied right to the round, flappy cheeked face of the Chipmunk-in-charge. The Chipmunk took note, made note, and it struck a note. Chipmunks have long memories like their elephant friends.

•What the Hell is Wrong with Melanin Deficient, Heteronormative Critters? Even the best seem just so darn stupid sometimes. Is an empathic understanding of marginalization really that difficult? Not everyone has experienced living in the middle of the Glen their whole lives. You have peripheral vision. Use it.

•How Critters Destroy "The Cause" by Thinking They Are Its Champion (aka its a fine line between reflecting the evils of Forest patriarchy and just re-enacting it. Assuming one knows the difference probably means one is lost even/especially the Head Chipmunk).

"I don't mean to cut you off, but..."

A second part to the Forest Ranger's meeting in the form of a question:
Why do nutted Forest Ranger's say to the nutless "I don't mean to cut you off but..." when that is exactly what they mean to do?

The Head Chipmunk pointed this out in the meeting. With a berry packed smile.

A video to explain what happened when the HC went before the Forest Rangers

The Chipmunk came, she saw, she gave it her best. She lost in the end. But the Forst Rangers were left stunned. They commented that they were "enlightened" by the Chipmunk's presentation. It disturbed the HC a great deal to see such important decisions handed over to 30 Forest Rangers be made, not by the HC's powerful data, extensive research and ability to skillfully fight each point that was made despite terrible odds....but rather the decision was made based on the FR's continued reference to their own experiences while in College Glens...many years before.  None of them seemed to have one lick of awareness that their very pale and almost all white experiences did not reflect the diverse tones in the HC's Glen...the colorful, diverse butterflies.

But at least the HC got away to fight another day.

Park Rangers, Golden Eagles and the Head Chipmunk

Today is the day. The HC will appear before the Park Ranger Committee to make her case that the beautiful butterflies should not be forced to take remedial class after remedial class before learning to fly just because they weren't born in the Glen. The HC will bring letters of support, cuddly critters from her Glen, from other Glens (because if the HC's Glen is forced to comply, other Glens will surely fall next...the HC's Glen is like a firewall between the Park Rangers and all the other Glens it seems). She has her armor shined and her words carefully chosen.

She has breathed deeply and promised herself she won't turn into a Tasmanian devil and go on a tirade (though she can't guarantee as the HC is not a diplomat or a politician but was fine tuned to be an activist...which is why she repeatedly turned this job down for she knew she lacked the graceful skills and impulse control and "equanimity" required for this kind of leadership. She is best suited to be one of the crowd, civilly disobeying and challenging the authority....not playing nice in meetings....but somehow she ended up here and it exhausts every one of her reactive nerve fibers to try to not carry signs, take a knee and yell "Topple the Patriarchy" to the very Rangers she needs to help her).

But sadly, though not unexpectedly, the Golden Eagle and a Bald Eagle friend informed the HC that they now do not support her cause. Well, they do "in spirit" but will not in public. It seems that the HC is not the only critter without nuts. The Bald Eagle mentioned something about taking the "path of least resistance". The HC supposes that is easy for someone who can fly wherever they want to go. But the HC is on the ground where there are brambles, and roots and mounds of decaying butterflies who didn't make it all the way. The eagles can't see all that from up high, she thinks. They have forgotten. "Least resistance?" she scoffed. "Ha, I don't seem to have that map in my GPS". The Golden Eagle was surprised to find out that the HC was still going to appear at the Park Ranger's meeting. The HC said, "I learned from my mom, Silver Sable, that some things need to be said. And I learned from The Movement that change is like water on a stone. You must keep at it, drop after drop. Eventually the stone will wear down. You can't be upset when one drop doesn't seem to effect change."

But the truth is, the Head Chipmunk thinks the rock looks very, very big today.

Chipmunks Only Make Trouble for Themselves

So, it seems that when a certain Head Chipmunk tells a certain Forest Ranger in White that a new policy of her committee is a tad racist (animalist?), the Forest Ranger is apt to call that said Chipmunk to appear before her Committee to defend said Chipmunk's assertion.

"How", wonders the HC, "can the Forest Ranger in White randomly enforce a new policy with no explanation for the rhyme or reason, no input from Chipmunks nor data supporting its policy necessity? And why", she thinks, as she packs her cheeks with berries for the long days ahead getting ready for the appearance, "must I prove something IS racist instead of the Ranger proving it isn't?"

Either way, the HC has made quite a problem for herself and now must come before a whole room full of Ranger types. She knows enough to not come alone. She will bring most of her Glen and the Golden Eagle (who thinks the HC has been eating fermented berries but agrees nonetheless) and her cheek pouches filled with lovely data and charts. The HC does not make these claims lightly.

When the HC told her spouse, The Fox, about the events, The Fox couldn't stop laughing. "Of course you said that"  she giggled thru her reddish mane and "its true but you should learn diplomacy" she laughed and "you do make problems for yourself" she howled and "can I come sit in on the meeting!?"

Since it is a public meeting, The Fox and perhaps a whole hen house may just come, bring lawn chairs and buckets of popcorn as they watch the HC explain why she called the Forest Ranger in White a racist (well, not her, really, just the bullshit anti-immigrant, classist policy that makes it 100x harder for ESL students to get a degree and BY THE WAY its utterly monolithic in its approach to seeing student success and the HC closed the achievement gap in the muthfucking Glen in one muthfucking term and not by making poor and immigrant students languish in more remedial classes because Rangers assumed they can't take a class with the Whitey-Mcwhitersons...................)

Ooops, get the popcorn ready and pack a lunch. It could get interesting because its unlikely the HC is going to learn impulse control before the meeting.

Chipmunks Only Make Trouble for Themselves

So, it seems that when a certain Head Chipmunk tells a certain Forest Ranger in White that a new policy of her committee is a tad racist (animalist?), the Forest Ranger is apt to call that said Chipmunk to appear before her Committee to defend said Chipmunk's assertion.

"How", wonders the HC, "can the Forest Ranger in White randomly enforce a new policy with no explanation for the rhyme or reason, no input from Chipmunks nor data supporting its policy necessity? And why", she thinks, as she packs her cheeks with berries for the long days ahead getting ready for the appearance, "must I prove something is racist instead of the Ranger proving it isn't?"

Either way, the HC has made quite a problem for herself and now must come before a whole room full of Ranger types. She knows enough to not come alone. She will bring most of her Glen and the Golden Eagle (who thinks the HC has been eating fermented berries but agrees nonetheless) and her cheek pouches filled with lovely data and charts. The HC does not make these claims lightly.

When the HC told her spouse, The Fox, about the events, The Fox couldn't stop laughing. "Of course you said that"  she giggled thru her reddish mane and "its true but you should learn diplomacy" she laughed and "you do make problems for yourself" she howled and "can I come sit in on the meeting!?"

Since it is a public meeting, The Fox and perhaps a whole hen house may just come, bring lawn chairs and buckets of popcorn as they watch the HC explain why she called the Forest Ranger in White a racist (well, not her, really, just the bullshit anti-immigrant, classist policy that makes it 100x harder for ESL students to get a degree and BY THE WAY its utterly monolithic in its approach to seeing student success and the HC closed the achievement gap in the muthfucking Glen in one muthfucking term and not by making poor and immigrant students languish in more remedial classes because Rangers assumed they can't take a class with the Whitey-Mcwhitersons...................)

Ooops, get the popcorn ready and pack a lunch. Its could get good because its unlikely the HC is going to learn impulse control before the meeting.

The Chipmunk has Landed-The Leap of Stupidity

The Head Chipmunk landed safely on the Upper Canopy of the Forest today! Her leap of stupidity worked!

Seeing the Chipmunk soar above her head made the Golden Eagle suddenly take to flight to beat the HC to the Canopy. She decided to act all casual and not like a bird who had a lowly rodent go over her head but rather like a bird who had invited the Chipmunk up there to join her all along (yeah, right).

Once at the Canopy, the HC spoke to the Highest Condor and explained the situation (the situation the Golden Eagle had originally chosen to ignore). The Highest Condor listened with great interest, spread her great, broad wings and immediately promised the HC thousands of acorns for her to spend on solving her problem. The HC left feeling happy and satisfied and glad she took the chance to fly. The HC decided to slowly crawl and scamper the way down the tree instead of attempting to soar anymore. The Golden Eagle flew off in another direction....bitter and confused by the memory of the flying Chipmunk but fattened herself by the sudden increase in acorns.

When a Chipmunk becomes a Flying Squirrel

Sometimes, when she has no other choice because the Woodland Glen is a tangled mess of fallen tress, rubble and detritus that there is no room to walk or slither or hop, the Head Chipmunk climbs to the tallest tree she can find, above the Golden Eagle's nest and up to the highest branch....and leaps.

Only after she has left the safety of the tallest tree does the Chipmunk realize she is bound to the laws of gravity and that she doesn't have actual wings. There is a deep panic not only about the possibilities of the ground suddenly rushing up to greet her but also that going above the Golden Eagle's head is probably not a great idea.

But above the Golden Eagle's head is the only way to the magical "Upper Canopy" of the Forest where decisions are made and resources are handed out and sometimes, when the Golden Eagle is sleeping or refuses to carry messages from the Glen to the Canopy, the Chipmunk thinks she has no choice. So she leaps.

Courage and stupidity are hard to tell apart.

But what about the gravity? And the lack of wings? And the Golden Eagle who stares up from her nest with incredulity at the suddenly airborne Chipmunk (who's eyes are closed as she is frantically visualizing herself to be a flying squirrel)?

Stayed tuned. Maybe gravity will win. Maybe the Chipmunk will reach the Canopy before she splats on the forest floor. Maybe the Golden Eagle will take flight, pluck the Chipmunk from the air and tear her limb from limb before devouring her.

Who's Who and What's What

If you are new to the Glen here are the basics that you need to know:

The writer is the Department Chair of a medium sized department at a very large College in the United States. She was appointed Chair in 2015 and subsequently elected. It was a job she said she never wanted for one very good reason---she's an organizational disaster area. Turns out, she's more organized than almost everyone else (which is scary). She finds strength in the seemingly frantic chipmunk who races about with no known plan but in the end survives the coldest of winters while the awe inspiring bear or frightening snake only survive by sleeping through the whole damn thing. Chipmunks survive through ingenuity and serious amounts of group warmth. Also, a chipmunk is a cheerful little thing, is never deterred, doesn't take itself too seriously and never worries about gaining weight in its face.

Butterflies-students, old young, some gorgeous, some plain but all are fragile in their own right and need to be protected. The HC takes this job seriously though some butterflies do remind her a bit of annoying moths but she tries to forgive them.

The Golden Eagle-The Dean who's promotion led to the writer being appointed to HC in the first place. The Dean is a powerful woman of small stature who is a strong supporter of the HC and will dive into fire. However, she also has very sharp talons and is a tad capricious for the HC's liking. When hearing a bit about this writing experiment, she demanded to be called "'Golden Eagle' because  I am Chinese.....and be sure you write that part but be sure this is all anonymous".  The HC has no idea what that means. But Golden Eagle makes the HC laugh a lot.

Silver Eagle-The HC's mentor. A long term faculty member who has been the HC's go-to person since day one. She, along with Golden Eagle, keep the HC in check, take her for gluten free pizza when needed and regularly ask important questions like "did your mother drop you on your head or did you acquire this level of dumb all on your own?". 

Skunk/weasel/snakes-the evil doers in the department. They treat students like crap, don't do their work, are entitled, lie, scam and are every form of stinkiness one can imagine. In best cases they cross lines of civility, in worse cases they skirt the law. It's really hard to get rid of them.

Pigeons-less noxious then the above crew but none less irritating. The pigeon was inspired by a friend who posted the quote "Arguing with stupid people is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon will just knock the pieces over, shit on the board, and strut around like it's victorious." Yeah, some people the HC works with are pigeons.